Once upon a hoopty...

My dream last night was a series of vignettes about a small group of people who survived a plane crash in a post-apocalyptic urban center. Brad, from a recent team was an air-traffic controller in-training (although he called it something else). and the pilot survived, but he would fall asleep. I played various characters. At one point I was a black guy unearthing some red brick that we needed. Brad called something in the cockpit the "logitechs" that they needed to get working. That is the brand name of my britney spears-style headphone/mic that I use to call home. It only made a little sense, but it was pretty fun. I saw a picture last night shortly before i went to bed that I thought might be a still shot of Dominic Monaghan from "Lost." That's what i blame it on.

I going to go with "I disagree" on this one. Except maybe for the last comment. And I am definitely NOT more responsible and self-disciplined than I realize.

Your Birthdate: March 4

Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual. Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I have ruined myself for women. Like maybe I have though about it so stinkin much that I'll never be comfortable enough to just be in love and marry someone. I totally fall in love about every other week. I hate that. It's obviously a real superficial thing and I think it's mostly because I just want so badly to love someone, anyone. And then when it comes down to it, I look at the situation and think: "Well...she's great and all. She has a lot of great character traits and I really enjoy being around her...except...I always hoped or pictured marrying someone like [list specific talent, passion or trait(s) here]." I pretend to throw up my arms and say I don't care, but it never lasts, if it was true in the first place.

There's a story that Jesus tells in the Bible about the kingdom of Heaven which is the way I want to feel about women. A jeweller came across a large and perfect pearl--the absolute best he had ever seen and knew he would ever see. So, he sold all his other ware to obtain the pearl. Just like a man who was travelling through a field and came across a great treasure, like maybe crude oil or something. So, he sold all his possessions and went down to his local government office and put the money down on the barrel head and bought that piece of property so that he could have it. Somebody once gave me advice concerning women that is actually quite similar and which is right now my desire: "Don't marry a woman that you can live with, marry the woman you can't live without."

Things are not going so well. I wrote a blog entry last night that's so disturbing I can't publish it. And here I go again. I have to write this out and I feel like I need to share it with people, but I don't mean to send out a message that I need people who have nothing to say to me to come back and force themselves to say something about how they are sorry and wish they could help. Reading the news depresses me. Reading or watching fiction makes me wish I could dwell in a world of fiction. Nobody else is concerned about doing the "right thing," everyone is just concerned about doing something for themselves. Like this jerk who ran off with the finger he found in his custard instead of returning it to the guy who had just lost it. Was he THAT disturbed by the finger that he couldn't lower himself to help somebody out? But worst of all, is this guy any worse than anybody else? Maybe, given the same situation, I wouldn't have done the same thing, maybe. But I can assure you that I think of myself above other people all the time, when I have the means and they have the need. And I can't stand that. And it makes me sick to live in a world like that.

To be more personal: I have a hard time with motivation most of the time and right now my wells of motivation are running pretty dry. Sometimes I don't accomplish the things I'm supposed to get done because a) I was busy doing something that I enjoyed and forgot about my responsibilities or b) I remembered and put them off until after I was done doing what I wanted in the hopes that maybe I would "feel like it" later. Then, I get called out on it and try to lie (yes, lie) and tell incomplete truths so that I can maybe weasel my way out of the consequences. How sick is that? And then, when I get told that I am irresponsible, which I am, I come up with good reasons to ignore all advice given to me that has nothing to do with the truth, but is more based on how it was presented to me and how they could have said it in a better way. Or maybe I prefer to focus on the other person's inconsistentcies instead of facing up to my own problems. Or maybe I don't want to see those flaws in my character because I'm so busy dealing with others and I just can't fix myself on every side all at once.

And really, I don't think any of what I just wrote is at the heart of the matter, but I'm not entirely sure what is. I think a lot of this is a response to something building up over time. Is it being in a strange country? I don't think so and maybe something about that adds to the problem, but it isn't the base. I just feel so overwhelmed. I don't even know what I'm overwhelmed with.

Oh, and by the way, check out the new links! Wheeee!

I just woke up (10 minutes before the alarm, mind you) from a great dream. I was friends or relations with the president and everywhere he went, when he was off duty, these vampires would come after him, but they were totally easy to spot. There were, like, two main vampires: a man and a woman. the woman was tall and thin with glasses and long stringy hair. She looked suspiciously like one of the missionaries I know in the other side of the world. They always went after children. So all these zombie-like children were always walking up to the president. They were almost always blonde and they always had red (like candy-apple red) highlight or splotches in their hair. At the very end, they were approaching the president one by one and I couldn't lock the door...i mean, it only had one of those little chain locks that let you open the door about two inches (what do you call those?), so I couldn't keep the little red-splotched haired, zombie children out, but the president was guarded by a ton of protection and they would open fire on any little red-splotch-headed children who walked through the door. Except, I had to be outside the door because I was on door duty, and I couldn't very well stand there while they shot at little children near the door, now could i? So I kinda showed them in one at a time. And this one little girl came by and at first i didn't notice the red splotches because they were so stylishly added to her blonde little head. And she was a beautiful little girl and I told her so and she responded. That was weird because all besides the original two just kinda grunted. She had a british accent so I asked her if she from britain and she said, "I'm from heaven." And I had no CLUE what that meant, so I asked again, "No, I mean...were you born in Britain?" "No," she said with some frustration, "I'm from heaven." About that time the female leader walked up and was mad that a) i was talking to one of her spawn b) that she was talking back (that's not supposed to happen) and c) I was still alive so she started coming for me and I was screwed unless some of those secret service decided to take a glance out the door. As I started thinking of possible ways out, I got overly analytical and realized i was dreaming and woke up. I wonder what happened...?

First of all, let me say that I didn't realize I had such an audience (all four of you) and it is such a pleasure to read your greetings and encouragement. Thanks!

Today deserves mention (Junior won deservable mention for his science fair project, honey). Morning started with a jolt, even though I woke up at 5,6, and 7 before shooting out of bed at 7:09. I went through my list of internet news sources (Yahoo, Google, Fox, Miami herald, and La Prensa) and carried on light morning IM conversation (always a pleasure). Next thing I know it's 9 and I get a phone call while I'm in the shower. Plans change for the day, and I fear the worst: I'm not going to leave the house. I hate it when that happens. I get to work writing up expense reimbursements and actually turn them in without the money man having to get onto me. YES! I picked up Count of Monte Cristo last night and continued to read a chapter here and there throughout the day. Suddenly at 2, life gets on track and plans fall into place. I meet with Carey who is going to help me throw a Cinco de Mayo party (ATTENTION ALL NORTH AMERICANS, CINCO DE MAYO IS A SPECIFICALLY MEXICAN HOLIDAY AND IS NOT CELEBRATED HERE. THAT WOULD BE LIKE AUSTRAILIA CELEBRATING JULY 4TH. The joke here, is that we're celebrating it anyway). Incidentally, it's mostly a 5/5/05 party because three numbers lining up all the same is always a good reason to throw a party. So, make sure and keep your 11/11/11 schedule open, cause that's just way to many ones in a row not to have a party. She came and looked at the house to kinda get an idea of the space and what we can do. I am very afraid this party is going to tank, but I really have already committed myself, so...we'll see. On the way to drop her off, I pick up Alex, who is a really nice guy and smart and who proceeded to show me around the audio stores in town. I thought maybe he knew of stores that I didn't. Turned out I knew all of them. But it was nice to have a Nica ask for a "cotizacion" (um...price check?) at all the stores. I dropped him off and went to go grocery shop, running into the beloved West family. I went from there to order my sushi (YAY!) and while it was busy cooking (no, see, that was supposed to be funny....read it again) I went to go return a late video for the Wests...since I held on to it too long. It was Garden State incidentally and was absolutely amazing! Not terribly thought-provoking, but it did make me intensely lonely and long achingly for a female companion in a romantic relationship. I mean, what else can you really ask for in a movie, right? So, while I'm at the video store they sell me the poster for Garden State (Who knew all you had to do was ask?!?) for roughly $3 (50 cordobas for all you Nicaraguan monetary unit understanders). Purchase of said movie happened only after the discovery of America's Sweethearts for $5, which I figured was a decent deal for a movie I had wanted to see, but never got around to. I mean...if it ends up being so bad that I'll wish I didn't own it, I can always give it away and cut the loss and not really worry about it.

So, on the way home, I'm thinking about ole Edmond Dantes down in his prison (Monte Cristo) and how he was thinking about vengence against his enemies and how even if he was justified in his hatred of the three men who had wronged him, it wasn't the better choice. Ew. Let me try that again. I can't seem to put it to words. It's like...they caused him earthly pain. Should they suffer punishment for this? Sure. Is it Dantes' place to give it to them? or Can his killing them bring about justice? Is his intent to hurry their journey to their Judge? The book is full of religious language and obviously plays a large part in his thinking and in the theme of the book. So then it dawned on me, an epiphany: What happens on this earth is insignificant in terms of what someone may do to me. It's not a big deal. Be they evil and wrong in every sense, all they can do is make me uncomfortable. They can take my things, they can break my pride, they can take those I love and they can take my life. All of these are things I would prefer not to happen and most of which would bring great anguish, some of them anguish beyond words. But really, these things pale in comparison to what I have in God. And that's why I must be able to forgive those who have done me wrong, whether it be in ways great or small. And I realize this and it frees me. I don't have to hold another grudge against anyone for anything. If nothing else, I must pity those who think that taking from me will make their lives better or those that treat me with any disrespect, unaware of how much harder they are making life on themselves. Even if it is someone who has broken my heart. How can I hold that against them? What if, in my forgiving what they did to me, it enables them to understand mercy? Is that not a much higher and greater thing than having exacted my revenge? I'm tired of revenge, it takes too much out of me; while forgiveness, on the other hand, fills me. I want to choose forgiveness.