Once upon a hoopty...

Things are not going so well. I wrote a blog entry last night that's so disturbing I can't publish it. And here I go again. I have to write this out and I feel like I need to share it with people, but I don't mean to send out a message that I need people who have nothing to say to me to come back and force themselves to say something about how they are sorry and wish they could help. Reading the news depresses me. Reading or watching fiction makes me wish I could dwell in a world of fiction. Nobody else is concerned about doing the "right thing," everyone is just concerned about doing something for themselves. Like this jerk who ran off with the finger he found in his custard instead of returning it to the guy who had just lost it. Was he THAT disturbed by the finger that he couldn't lower himself to help somebody out? But worst of all, is this guy any worse than anybody else? Maybe, given the same situation, I wouldn't have done the same thing, maybe. But I can assure you that I think of myself above other people all the time, when I have the means and they have the need. And I can't stand that. And it makes me sick to live in a world like that.

To be more personal: I have a hard time with motivation most of the time and right now my wells of motivation are running pretty dry. Sometimes I don't accomplish the things I'm supposed to get done because a) I was busy doing something that I enjoyed and forgot about my responsibilities or b) I remembered and put them off until after I was done doing what I wanted in the hopes that maybe I would "feel like it" later. Then, I get called out on it and try to lie (yes, lie) and tell incomplete truths so that I can maybe weasel my way out of the consequences. How sick is that? And then, when I get told that I am irresponsible, which I am, I come up with good reasons to ignore all advice given to me that has nothing to do with the truth, but is more based on how it was presented to me and how they could have said it in a better way. Or maybe I prefer to focus on the other person's inconsistentcies instead of facing up to my own problems. Or maybe I don't want to see those flaws in my character because I'm so busy dealing with others and I just can't fix myself on every side all at once.

And really, I don't think any of what I just wrote is at the heart of the matter, but I'm not entirely sure what is. I think a lot of this is a response to something building up over time. Is it being in a strange country? I don't think so and maybe something about that adds to the problem, but it isn't the base. I just feel so overwhelmed. I don't even know what I'm overwhelmed with.

Oh, and by the way, check out the new links! Wheeee!