Once upon a hoopty...

I haven't had much spare time in the past few months as I've been busy buying a house and a dog and now moving into it. I'm also figuring out how to be a husband to my wife. It's not that this is such a strain or is so difficult (although, I am nowhere near the husband to her I wish i was), as it's just so new. It's a wonderful new way to live.

But not having a lot of free time lately, I've not been able to spit out some of the ideas that float through my mind and it's made me feel more and more claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in, and it's increased my stress level. (I should also mention here that I transfered to a different coffee house and got a promotion, so there's a little added stress from that in my life as well.)

The thought that's been most prevelent in my mind lately, however, is the idea of grace and how much, despite my confession to the contrary, I don't actually believe in it in a lived out sort of way. Let me clarify that statement first. A life-changing epitome for me years ago was when someone was describing eastern thought especially as relates to believing: in short, that if you don't live it out, you don't actually believe it. In the western world, or at least in my growing up, believing has more to do with what we mentally acknowledge to be true, whether or not we let such knowledge affect the way we live our lives. (Example: getting drunk all the time is bad for me; i know that, but I'm still going to get hammered this weekend. One who would confess such doesn't ACTUALLY believe that getting drunk is bad, or he would stop doing it.)

So, part of my confession as one who follows Christ is that I believe that everyone has messed up and is therefore unworthy to live before a perfect God, but that God, in his love shows grace to us by offering Jesus as a sacrifice that earns my forgiveness. My debt is paid, despite that fact that I have done nothing to deserve that payment. So, in my unbelief, I accept the gift of grace that I cannot earn and then I turn around and try to be good enough to deserve it. Because I continue to function in this mistaken understanding of grace, I try to hide my faults (because if no one knows that I have problems, then maybe I'll be a little closer to good enough) or worse, I deny to myself that certain aspects of my life are good enough as they are. The problem is not that I'm striving to be good, it's that I'm trying to be good so that I can earn grace instead of pursuing goodness because grace has been shown to me.

Remember the opening chapter of Les Miserables? This is the best picture of grace (outside of the Bible) that I know. It sticks with me. Jean Valjean is trying to find a place to spend the night, but because his papers show that he's a former prisoner, no one will put him up for the night. So, the Bishop in town (and his sister) take him in (despite the sister's urging), and give him food and a place to stay. Jean, in turn, sneaks out in the middle of the night having stolen their silverware. Local police find him and bring him back so that the Bishop can accuse him, but the Bishop surprises both the police and Jean by saying that Jean did not steal the silverware, but that they were gifts, but he then asks Jean why he didn't also take the candlesticks that were offered to him as well. The police leave and the Bishop tells Jean to use the silver to make a good life for himself. The next day on the road, Jean falls into his old ways and beats up a kid and steals his money, only to stop and realize what he's done. He vows then and there to accept the Bishop's kindness and to use the silver to live a good life. In fact, he keeps one of the candlesticks as a reminder of the grace that has enabled him to live the good life he wants to live.

And that's what I mean. I don't need to live a good life to earn the candlesticks. I want to live a good life because the way to do so has been given to me even though I would never deserve it.

Labels: belief, grace, Les Miserables