Wednesday, December 15, 2004
December 15 Part 1: Honesty
I just read "Blue like Jazz," and I think it is changing my life. Or rather, I think it is reminding me of all the ways I want to be, all the things I want to change, and even mentioned a few things I hadn't quite gotten around to putting my finger on. First and foremost, the book read like the author was being honest. Sure, he was being trendy, and writing in such a way that it was attractive to his audience, but the reason I grew so comfortable with him, the reason I could take some of his encouragement and rebuke, was becase I felt like I knew him or that he was showing me who he really was. And it dawned on me that I am not very quick to do likewise. that is, most of the time, I would rather keep my feelings to myself and put on a front. I talked with Mikey about this a little bit. We mentioned to each other how we really do fear that people will know dirt on us and talk about us and think poorly of us. And the saddest part of that is that the place I most fear judgement is the church [the human institution and so on through out], where people are supposed to be most like Jesus. In fact, the church is mostly (though definately not totally--thank God for the saints in the church) like Pharisees. I mean, let's be frank. If Jesus walked today instead of 2000 years ago, wouldn't it be the baptist church (and whatever other religious affiliations) that he would call serpents and wolves in sheep's clothing? I cannot be false anymore because I am afraid to be truthful, afraid of what others will find out. Let's be honest, here.
# posted by Adam @ 5:15 PM 
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well, I'm still not sure what I think about politics and faith...i'm not sure I agree with you but I don't know enough to say why, so i'll leave it at that! :)
Thanks for your comment today-I woke up less aggravated about the bathroom situation, and it will eventually be a much better bathroom than it ever was. Just poor timing.
So I want to read that book now. I'll have TIME after tomorrow! I agree with you 100% about fearing that once people hear dirt on me that even if they don't TALK about me, that they will think poorly of me. There have only been a very very select few that I didn't believe that about, and those are the people who know "dirt!" I also think that it is as you say-that this sad truth is truest in religious circles. People trust, then people gossip, then people are bitter. I know too many wolves, and it gets harder and harder the older I get to trust a church when I know that community is so important. Withdrawing from it will not help, I don't think, since that only would propulgate more bitterness to grow by becoming a separatist. I think though, Adam, that people our age (ok, and some older folks too) are for some reason seeing this and will do something about it. Quietly, perhaps, but I'm not afraid–and i know you aren't either–to be bold with our friends the Pharisees and share what we see. I don't think any of them really mean to be as cold and bitter as they've become. I think they want to do things right-but it gets hard when it's so embedded.
I have been working on honesty-it's been a bit easier out here becuase I can pick and choose what to tell first and what to tell later, since no one knows my life. Plus, there's less fakiness socially here as there is in the South. Western people are straight-line, city block, #ed street, practical people. I'm starting to think that maybe some of the good southerners who were sick of the facade came out west, and that's why people are so cool here.
Well, gotta run-CRACKER BARREL! good end to a rough day :)
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Thanks for your comment today-I woke up less aggravated about the bathroom situation, and it will eventually be a much better bathroom than it ever was. Just poor timing.
So I want to read that book now. I'll have TIME after tomorrow! I agree with you 100% about fearing that once people hear dirt on me that even if they don't TALK about me, that they will think poorly of me. There have only been a very very select few that I didn't believe that about, and those are the people who know "dirt!" I also think that it is as you say-that this sad truth is truest in religious circles. People trust, then people gossip, then people are bitter. I know too many wolves, and it gets harder and harder the older I get to trust a church when I know that community is so important. Withdrawing from it will not help, I don't think, since that only would propulgate more bitterness to grow by becoming a separatist. I think though, Adam, that people our age (ok, and some older folks too) are for some reason seeing this and will do something about it. Quietly, perhaps, but I'm not afraid–and i know you aren't either–to be bold with our friends the Pharisees and share what we see. I don't think any of them really mean to be as cold and bitter as they've become. I think they want to do things right-but it gets hard when it's so embedded.
I have been working on honesty-it's been a bit easier out here becuase I can pick and choose what to tell first and what to tell later, since no one knows my life. Plus, there's less fakiness socially here as there is in the South. Western people are straight-line, city block, #ed street, practical people. I'm starting to think that maybe some of the good southerners who were sick of the facade came out west, and that's why people are so cool here.
Well, gotta run-CRACKER BARREL! good end to a rough day :)
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